Monthly Archives: November 2014

117. American Born Chinese by Gene Luen Yang

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112. Invalidation, Who Needs It!

A really nice short piece found online written about invalidation. It was to the point and relevant. http://lightshouse.org/lights-blog/toxic-people-and-psychological-invalidation#axzz3JmDz71z6

Copied whole thing here:

“Invalidation denies the importance of your experiences, your feelings, your thoughts, your wisdom, and even your existence.”

“Invalidation.  It takes many forms, but the person doing it is always communicating the same thing — your needs don’t matter!

People who invalidate you don’t want you to feel and think what you feel and think. They want you to feel and think what they do. It’s an imposition, an annoyance, or something else undesirable when you don’t.

Dysfunctional, toxic and abusive people are champion invalidators.

A father’s 3-year old son has gotten hurt skinning his knee on the sidewalk, and the father instantly pulls his bawling child up by the hand, exclaiming, “It’s not bad, you’re not hurt, what are you crying for? Look, it’s only a scrape, get up!”

But his son IS hurt, twice — once, physically, by falling, and again, by being denied his legitimate feelings by his father, the person whose job it is to teach him that his feelings always matter. Later in life, when the child becomes a man and marries a woman whose expectations of him are unreasonable and who calls him a baby if he complains, it is a reflection of his father’s bad parenting.

Children’s – and everyone’s – feelings are always legitimate. The feelings may be difficult to fully understand; however, if enough listening is done instead of merely trying to stuff down the unwanted feelings, the reasons make themselves known and can be addressed and healed, not just hidden.

Invalidation often takes the form of being told that you should not feel as strongly as you do. Other times, you’ll be told that your concerns are nothing to worry about. Some common invalidating statements are:

“You’re oversensitive”
“What are you crying about?”
“Everything’s fine!”
“Oh, you poor baby!”
“Get over it — don’t be such a whiner!”
“What’s the matter NOW???”
“So WHAT!”

Your wishes may also be ignored in favor of the other person’s preferences. You may feel as if you don’t have an equal voice in the relationship or in what takes place. When you explain that being ignored makes you unhappy, you’ll be made to feel as if your concerns aren’t legitimate, and you should be ashamed of yourself for making life difficult for the invalidator.

Getting invalidators to truly hear you out isn’t easy, and in many cases, is impossible. If nothing else, remember that your feelings – no matter what they are – always have a legitimate reason, and are there for a real and important purpose. You may experience invalidation by someone else, but you can practice what mentally healthy people do all the time – know that all feelings always matter, even when some people don’t understand them, and always, always…validate yourself.”

111. You’re Not Crazy – It’s Your Mother!: Understanding and Healing for Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers

How many suffering souls walking around don’t know they are victims of Narcissistic mothers? Especially females. All their troubles stemmed from their upbringings by vicious insidious malevolent witch mothers. Until they realized this, all are futile, they would be like dog chasing its tail, they live in confusion, pain, fog and turmoil.

This is a book from Amazon, author Manu Morrigan

“Do you find yourself feeling emotionally bruised, upset and confused after being in contact with your mother? Are you left doubting yourself – feeling crazy – as she remembers some incidents totally differently to how you remember them, and denies other events even happened at all? Do you somehow feel like you’re not a real person in her company? Does it seem that she gets cross, angry or upset when good things happen in your life? And does she seem happy and energised if you have a trauma or crisis? But maybe that’s your imagination, you tell yourself, because of course your own mother isn’t going to be glad when you suffer, right? And round and round go your feelings and emotions and half-formed thoughts, till you think you must truly be crazy. And still you end up emotionally bruised and confused and hurt. If this resonates with you, it is possible that your mother has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. You’re Not Crazy – It’s Your Mother explains what that it is, and what it means to you in your life. It will help you to undertake a journey of recognition and recovery: of moving on, healing, and claiming your own self as the wonderful, vibrant woman you really are.”

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

78 of 85 people found the following review helpful made me feel better

By Christine on May 22, 2013

Format: Paperback

I read this book in one night. I wish I had researched NPD thirty years ago. My whole life would’ve been better, and I would’ve understood why mother criticizes my looks (even things I cannot control, like the shape of my lips), ALWAYS sides with my boyfriends and becomes friends with them after we break up (even the mean, abusive one, who she was particularly fond of), bad mouths me to people, had my cat put to sleep one day when I was at school (and later told me she did that because I am so self-centered), gets excited when people have a terminal illness, attends way too many funerals, tries to recruit people to her side, criticizes me in front of people, is constantly having “heart attacks” and “nervous breakdowns” and calling the ambulance to come help her, and even has convinced my father that I’m the bad person who has ruined her life.

Now I understand why my brother left home twenty years ago and cut off all contact with my parents. He tried to convince me several years ago that there’s something wrong with them. He picked up on their behavior when we were in high school, but I never understood what he meant. I wish I had the strength to have No Contact with them, like he does. Maybe I will be able to do that one day.

In the meantime, reading this book has actually taken quite a load off my shoulders, and me realize that none of this was even my fault. Her behavior towards me is probably the reason I have such low confidence and depression. I’m going to try some of the Self Help Techniques listed here. I already feel better after reading this book, just knowing that I’m NOT the crazy one, as my mother has tried instilling in my head for years now.